Raising a child with autism is a life lesson in patience.  We practice patience when our children are throwing tantrums in public places and people stare, we are patient when our children take 20 minutes to put on their own coats, and we patiently wait for our kids to reach developmental milestones that they should have met months or years ago.  I remember feeling my heart sink when I saw the first set of evaluation results placing Curtis anywhere from the 6-9 month range up to 18 months in a variety of developmental areas.  This was so painful because Curtis was almost 3 years old at the time.

Curtis could not speak, he could not pretend play (if you handed him a cordless phone, he'd put it upside down on a table and spin it like a top instead of pretending to talk into it,) he could not use a spoon or an open cup, he could not go up and down a ladder (limiting his playground trips to running in circles at full speed,) and he had no desire to communicate with anyone, especially his peers.  His sensory system was completely disregulated, causing him to clear off bookshelves and tables because a clean surface was not visually overstimulating, and he would run at full speed constantly to calm himself.  He was terrified of swings and couldn't use a tricycle.  And this is just a list of the skills Curtis lacked at 3 years old off the top of my head.  I'm sure if I looked in an old data book from his early intervention program, this list would quadruple.

So why am I rambling on about the skills he lacked?  Because there is one skill in particular that society will pressure you into teaching a child who is over 3 years old, regardless of his actual ability to learn that skill:  POTTY TRAINING.  I spent countless months trying every way imaginable to potty train Curtis because I was embarrassed that my 3 (and eventually 4) year old child was in diapers.  I tried pull ups that got cold when he peed, a "potty watch" to remind him to go every half hour, and even put him in regular underwear hoping that if he we himself he'd be uncomfortable and this would motivate him.  Instead, he would wet himself and leave a puddle at his feet while he kept playing at his train table like nothing was wrong.  Looking back I realize how silly I was.  He had so very much to learn that was way more important than peeing and pooping in a toilet and every hour I spent fighting a losing battle with the potty could have been spent working on advancing a skill he was capable of learning.  After almost a year of trying, I put him back in diapers.  And then, one day, just a couple months before his 5th birthday, Curtis started to use the toilet.  We instantly went from diapers to big-boy underwear and had very few accidents.  We just had to wait for him to be ready.  Curtis was in fact developmentally delayed and his brain was not understanding his body's signals that it had to use a toilet, so he couldn't be potty trained until he could understand those sensations.

I wish there had been a parent who had "been there" to tell me to relax and not waste my time fighting the potty battle just because people disapproved of my 4 year old wearing diapers.  That time could have been so much better spent not fighting this no win battle with autism.  So now, here I am, three years later telling all of you parents of little kids on the spectrum not to worry.  Your kids will be ready to use the potty when they are ready.  It is worth a try every now and then to test the waters, but don't force it and don't waste precious time with your little ones forcing something that just isn't going to happen yet.  Toilet trai  will come (most likely before kindergarten) so don't stress out.

Laura, Mom