Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

These five stages of loss and grief are typically experienced by someone who loses a loved one when they pass. But for Curtis, who thus far has handled deaths of family members much more matter-of-fact than typical kids his age, it was a different kind of loss that brought about these stages of grief.

Up until a couple months ago, Caron was the only ed-tech Curt had ever had at school. She was there nearly every day for kindergarten, 1st grade, and 2nd grade. The person he could depend on to help him get from point A to point B, to explain the teacher's directions when all the other kids seemed to understand, the person who would lead him out of the cafeteria when it was too loud, the person who fostered relationships with other students when he couldn't figure out how to do it on his own. She was the person who stopped him from bolting out of the school when he was five and had him walking with his class and making friends over the next few years. To him, she was a huge part of surviving the school day when confusion loomed around every corner.

Denial: When Curtis learned in early November that it was time for Caron to move on professionally and that she would no longer be his ed tech he refused to believe it. He wasn't defiant, he wasn't particularly upset, he just believed that when push came to shove, Caron would still be there when he showed up that Monday after Thanksgiving break. Not only could he not imagine her not being there, he wasn't even willing to accept it as a possibility. He needed to see it to believe it and his defense mechanisms were on full alert. He denied the possibility that he would be going to school without Caron right up until that Monday following the break. He met his new ed tech with a quiet hello and an expression of concern as to what school would be like without his trusted confidant.

Anger: It didn't take much time after school resumed for denial to give way to anger. He hated Caron, he hated his parents and family, he hated his friends...there was enough anger for everyone in his life at this point. This wasn't expressed at school, where he is more likely to clam up than lash out, but it was prevalent at home and quite hard to deal with. What he was expressing as anger was clearly hurt that things weren't the same anymore and he missed the teacher and friend that had always been there for him. We had prepped him for a long time that someday he would have a new ed tech. and hopefully one day, not require one at all. But like most kids he lives in the moment...and getting by without Caron wasn't something he anticipated dealing with until he had to. But she was gone and he was pissed...and most likely very scared.

Bargaining: This is the only stage of grief not applicable to this situation. He never really believed Caron was leaving until she was no longer in the school and to my knowledge, never attempted to bargain for her to stay. He had questions and all kinds of concerns but attempted no bargains. Once she was gone, he knew she wouldn't be back. At least not in this capacity.

Depression: Curtis has a new ed tech, Miss Mallory, and she's been terrific. But in the days and weeks that followed Caron's absence he clearly mourned their relationship and exhibited aspects of depression. He said things like "I don't like my life anymore. I want to start over." He was more quiet than usual, would sometimes break down and cry, appeared slightly withdrawn, showed a loss of confidence and even mentioned a desire to hurt himself.

We knew he was getting used to a new situation and that this "depression" would likely be short-lived but as a parent, it's a difficult thing to experience. You only hope it's short-lived and that some of the things you are saying and doing are helping.

Acceptance: As we begin 2013, Curtis is working his way towards acceptance. Part of the reason Caron felt comfortable moving on when she did was because Curtis has some great friends in his class and they have been instrumental in getting him back to his old self and able to feel comfortable at school even without his trusted guide. Part of his frustration was centered around the fact that Caron knew him so well. She knew when the lunchroom or music class was too loud or when he needed a break or that he needed help tying his shoes and now he had to start from scratch with someone much less familiar with what makes him tick. But he has slowly been accepting the fact that in life, things change, and they don't always stay the way you want them too. It's a tough lesson but one that we all learn and his parents could hardly be more proud of him for braving through what's been the hardest life change for him to date.

With estimates like these (1 in 88 children are diagnosed with autism, 1 out of 54 boys, annual costs of autism totaling $138 billion) it's increasingly refreshing to see more and more provisions being made to include children with sensitivity issues.

Any parent or caregiver who has taken a child to the mall to see Santa or the Easter Bunny knows the experience is often not great. To bring a child on the spectrum to an event like this is often worse, with noise and lines that detract from the experience and making it  more trouble than its worth.

Today we noticed our own Maine Mall was making special provisions for children with Autism and similar disabilities to meet Santa before the mall fills up with the usual distractions, yelling, and other loud sounds. So way to go mall, and we hope these types of events continue to pop up everywhere.


Events- Sensitive Santa


12/1/2012
Time: 8am-10am
Location: Santa's Train Set near Sports Authority
Contact: Stefanie Millette, 207-828-2063 x 224
Sponsored by: The Maine Mall

A special event for children who are sensitive to noise, the Santa Set will open before official mall hours to provide a quieter atmosphere for children with noise sensitivities including those who have autism or hearing impairment.