At 8 and a half, Curtis' friendships have largely been fostered by the adults who care for him. He spends the most time with his older cousin with his dad and uncle around. At school, his ed tech has done a great job of organizing small lunches and other activities that have served as the foundation for great relationships. His mom and in home support help have taken him to friendship groups and activity nights sponsored by Woodford's Family Services. All this has helped to tackle Curt's large difficulties with socialization.

While the adults in his life do all we can to get Curtis going socially, there is no substitute for taking the social skills and scripted language he's learned and developing relationships largely on his own. We spent last week at a family camp in Vermont, the same one we went to last year, providing a perfect setting to allow Curtis to explore new friendships with the people we'd be spending day and night with for a whole week.

As is often the case, Curtis was reluctant to get involved with kids he didn't know. The games they play are confusing, they say things he doesn't understand and make jokes he doesn't get. He doesn't know how to get things going socially. Admittedly, it seems like a lot of effort, especially when he isn't quite sure how his quirks will be perceived. But he's capable of strong friendships and has a lot to offer the other kids.

At the camp, we got to see Curt make some major strides in friend making. When I saw who he was drawn too I interfered only once, at the lake, suggesting to a girl she dump a bucket of water on his head. She did it to her friend, Curt laughed and I figured it would break the ice. Plus, the girls looked about 10-12 which was perfect for Curtis. He generally does much better with kids that are a little older than him or a little younger. Believe it or not, some boys his age turn a crooked eye when he says he has a Smurfette doll or professes a love of Taylor Swift.

Throughout our week there he showed increasing independence. He wanted to hang with the other kids without us around and obliged sometimes, though usually remaining within earshot. He also felt comfortable enough on the campus this year to walk from the dining hall to the tent area on his own. That doesn't sound like much but it is for a kid so dependent on adult guidance. We let him play with the older girls while also trying to make sure he didn't wear out his welcome. He did great.

The night before we left I thanked a couple of the girls for being so great with him all week. I told them it isn't always easy for him socially to which I got two very different replies.

 Girl 1: "What IS autism?" As if she hadn't really noticed anything unusual about him at all.

Girl 2: "It's hard with him sometimes. He paces all the time when he's talking and he laughs on and on about things and won't let anything go."

Either reaction is expected. Different temperaments and people handle autism differently. As usual, we're just proud of him for taking the social challenges head on.

When Curtis first started in school he was oblivious to the need for friendships. Now 8, he has developed many friendships at school and is much more interested in seeing friends out of school.
Through trial and error we have learned a few things about autism and playdates. The high energy parts of the get together usually go smoothly. Jumping on a trampoline, utilizing a playground, or playing tag in the field are all activities that are comfortable for Curtis and his neurotypical play partner. The tough part was always when the action slowed down. How to help Curtis be his interesting, inquisitive, and funny self with his friend without the need for constant motion.

This past weekend, Curtis was feeling a little nervous about having a first playdate with a friend. He knew what playdates with his cousin and other friend were like from previous experience. Lots of fun, running, maybe some opportunistic mischief resulting from Curtis being easily coaxed into something he shouldn't be doing. This time however he was meeting up with his favorite math partner who doesn't have the same excitable energy of his usual playdates. Curtis was feeling some additional pressure this time around.
In anticipation of the playdate, Curtis was given a clear time parameter. The playdate would start at 9am and end at 11am. Rather than structure increments of time, Curt's mom Laura put an activity list on his desk that he could refer too:

Activities-Indoor
Legos
Trouble
Trash
Sorry
Uno
Hot Wheels
Whack a Mole
Bop It
Connect Four
Alphabet Game
Boat Building Set
Jenga
Operation
Paint/Draw

Have a Snack

Activities-Outdoor
Sidewalk Chalk
Playground
Razor Scooter Riding
Soccer

Curtis chose several activities from the indoor list before bouncing off the walls and letting us know he wanted to burn off some energy outside. We suggested he let his friend ride his scooter over and wear his helmet as a gesture he was willing to share and Curtis complied. It was clear this boy knew Curtis well. He complimented Curtis when he bragged of recent accomplishments like making his own PB&J and putting on his bike helmet by himself (without gagging on the strap). He also had no issue calling Curtis out when he made up a bogus safety during tag or attempted to gain an edge at other games. With a little direction, the boys hardly needed any guidance, except when Curtis stopped playing long enough to ask if a bee could fit inside his ear. We also occasionally reminded him to return questions like "what have you done this weekend" by asking his friend the same question in return.

As is typically the case with Curtis, a lot of preparation goes a long way.

Greg, Dad

During first grade, Curtis would come running toward the school full force in anticipation of hugging his "girlfriends"  who would always be waiting for him. The remaining members of his class tended to get the shaft in terms of morning chatter from Curtis. His classmates would be comfortably buzzing around the cubby area showing off games from home, sharing playground stories or glowing with love over their new shoes. Curtis could be found sticking to his daily targets and completing his morning jobs as every student had to do (Making his lunch choice, answering the classroom question of the day and putting his folder in the classroom basket). Doing the jobs necessary to get his day started off right.
       Early in the school year I learned that I had to be sneaky and creative in my attempts to get Curtis to socialize. Essentially, I had to put it these jobs out there as"targets" or "jobs" in order for him to comply.  That's when the surveys Greg mentioned were implemented at school.  While they were very format based, they were unique each day depending on areas of his current interest (Do you like fluff? Do you like Taylor Switt? Have you ever been on Interstate 240? Do you like basketball? Do you like the color Red?) - and others were based on his emotional state and/or daily reflections (Do you have bad days? Do you cry sometimes? Is the classroom ever too loud for you? Do you like to be a rascal?) 
      Without Curtis even realizing it, he was bonding with his classmates. He was learning more about his new friends each day and expanding his age appropriate ego centric mind frame little by little.  By October, completing his three morning jobs, he would find a survey on his desk with a clip board and a sharp pencil. He would then hit the class running daily with straight forward questioners and it was a beautiful sight to see him re-enter the cubby area and be among the class chatter. His classmates loved these surveys. They enjoyed the randomness of the questions he would ask and they loved his individual attention without me hovering.
      Soon his class was asking me for these daily surveys so that they could do as Curtis was doing.  I noticed throughout his first grade year that what started out as a "job" and a premeditated social interaction turned into Curtis having the ability in himself to ask his friends simple social questions freely and without his handy clip board and pencil in front of him. He was interacting without the previous barriers and without the rules that were once so crucial. Curtis blossomed this year socially - trail and error, patience, acceptance and love helped him shed his armor. I am a huge advocate for social learning. I have always believed that Curtis will learn more from his peers than from what I have to teach. I may set the stage for these interactions to occur during his school day but than his friends take over quickly and willingly.  His friends also have more patience than myself on some of the tough days :)

Caron, 1:1 School Support

I’m not going to claim to have coined the phrase, “I’m having a weird thought about that,” nor am I going to claim it’s the best way I could have said Curtis was doing something that by any social norms is unusual, but it works for Curtis.  Anyone who knows or meets Curtis immediately falls in love with him.  He is charming and hilarious to say the least.  Because I care about Curtis, I have the responsibility of telling him if he is doing something that other people are going to think are weird to spare him possible embarrassment in school or other social settings in the future.  Curtis gets just as embarrassed as the next kid if something embarrassing happens to him.  He has come to a point where he no longer resists interacting with other kids to participate in solo activities.  Curtis wants to be liked just like everyone else so to help him with this myself and others around him let him know when he is doing something that others may not like or may find strange.  It all started when Curtis was going through an obsession with collecting coins.  He would stop at almost nothing to get coins.  I let a lot of these behaviors go because like many other activities he once was “obsessed” with I assumed this would pass.  One day we were in a convenience store when suddenly he was on the floor, completely flat trying to get coins from under a chip display island.  Needless to say the floor was less that spotless and I was horrified that he had his entire body pressed into it trying to get some pennies.  I had heard the term “I’m having a weird thought,” from another educator and it rolled out of my mouth at that moment.  Curtis was so caught off guard that he jumped up and immediately questioned what I meant.  While the idea of someone having a “weird thought” was challenging for me to explain and for Curtis to understand, it has been worth it.  Curtis has insisted from the get go that certain people in his life will never have weird thoughts about him and I have agreed with him on this point.  He also insisted that he doesn’t have weird thoughts about others.  After a few months of using the phrase we were on a playground where he saw one of his friends from school.  After several attempts to say hello to this child with no response Curtis looked at me and said, “Jamie I’m trying to say hi to him but he’s not answering.”  Seeing that the child was clearly not interested in the interaction today I responded with, “Well yes now isn’t that interesting?” “That’s not interesting, it’s weird,” he exclaimed!  I quickly took this opportunity to pull him aside and explain he just had a weird thought.  Since that day he has not questioned what one is or how it makes you feel.  We also have developed hand signals to use in public so that I could reinforce him when he was playing nicely with others or reassure him other children are behaving in unusual ways when they stray from the social norms he understands.  Finding a simple way to explain the complex thoughts we take for granted about social norms has been really important for Curtis.

Jamie, In-Home Support

Curtis explored emotions this year with a sense of eagerness and self-pride that wasn't developed yet in his kindergarten school year. Like it has been mentioned before he came into the start of his public school life as a scared, timid, observant five year old who had a invisible shield protecting him for seven hours a day. The most important thing I could do for him last year was show him that I trusted him and accepted him as is - I never pushed a damn thing and we formed a solid enough bond to ensure that he wanted to come to school each day and he left with a little more confidence than he had the day before. If that was ALL that had happened in one kindergarten day - I was pleased. This year (his 1st grade year) he came to school with more excitement and left with much more confidence. He feel in love this year at school. He feel in love with seven girlfriends, his "dude" friends, certain teachers and he feel in love with our bond. While this "love" may be seen as an ethical dilemma in my field of social work or crossing a boundary of some sort - I let love come into his school days uninhibited because love is better than bolting, its better than crying, its better than being confused and isolated and the most important thing (in my book) is that love is better than all the "rules" Curtis needs to live by. We shook things up this year and it paid off.

I was sharing this adorable story with a friend of mine the other day and it is pretty fitting for this blog entry. One day during art class Curtis's "BFF" (As he puts it and his "Jenny" in a Forest and Jenny situation as I put it) was terribly sad and came to me to share what had happened. School is hard, hands down. Kids are mean and sneaky and I will stop everything to listen to them - even if its just because their water bottled spilled in their backpack or someone on the playground called them a "Coconut Head" - either way, I listen. While I was trying to help out 'Jenny" Curtis stopped dead in his pattern art work and faced her with a series of important fact finding questions; "What happened??? Why are your crying?? Who did this??" - Once both "Jenny" and I shared with him that two friends from the class were being mean to her, Curtis straightened his tiny body and stared at them from across the art room. I encouraged him to help out his BFF and "do what he can to take care of this". Sometimes a vague response like that to him doesn't work and sometimes it does - on this day he was so driven by "Jenny's" tears that he swallowed his rules, stopped drawing his patterns and started to walk away from me and "Jenny" and go take care of business - he needed to talk to these "mean kids" before he added another line of color in his art work. He started to walk with pride, confidence and a touch of "what the heck am I doing?!". He got half way across the room when he realized his shoe was untied (A sensory thing that MUST be fixed right away for Curtis). He froze and turned back to me for some sort of guidance on this personal dilemma. I motioned for him to come back and I quickly tied his shoe and he was back on his way getting to the bottom of "Jennys" broken heart. Next thing I know, the three "mean" kids were walking back hand in hand with Curtis and the four of them had an intervention right there in the art room. I gave space to the conversation piece of this situation and wanted things to unfold without an adult around and without my queuing. I'm always really cautious as to when to pull back and let Curtis stand on his own and this was a time. Because of this "pulling back" approach I am not too sure what words were shared but Curtis saved the day in "Jenny's" mind and love was the driving force.

Caron, 1:1 School Support

September 15, 2010
Dear Families,

I hope this finds everyone having a smooth transition back into another school year. I wanted to take a minute to re-introduce myself to you all. As many of you are aware, I work 1:1 all day with a student in your child's class, Curtis. Curtis has high functioning Autism, which means that he has difficulties communicating and navigating threw the social norms; his brain inputs things in a different format than others. The class views Curtis as a unique individual but also includes him in all activities. They love playing with him, dancing with him, telling jokes and doing art with him- this class has 100% accepted who he is as is and I want to thank you all for that wonderful quality in your child.

Our days look much like those of your child in the classroom. We participate in all classroom activities and occasionally I will run a small group lunch or social activity with some of his friends. My professional and educational background is in social work so I am constantly tapping into many theories and practices to allow these social interactions to comfortably and effectively occur. Your child may have questions about Autism or my role in the class and Curtis and myself are very open to answering any of these curiosities. I have great resources that are both child friendly and informative and I would be more than happy to share them with yourself or your child if they are interested.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and understand the uniqueness in every individual that can contribute to an amazing classroom on the whole. I know that I speak for Curtis and myself when I say that we are happy to be back among this class.

Caron, 1:1 School Support

** Curtis had the same teacher and classroom for kindergarten and first grade. This letter was sent to parents near the start of his first grade year.

When Curtis was in preschool and receiving early intervention services, he hardly noticed his classmates. He had his favorite teachers who were more likely to elicit responses from him than others but when he was four and five he was feeling his way though the fact that he was expected to interact with non family members. However, he has had a close relationship with his cousin Jayden (pictured) since birth despite the very difficult time they have understanding each others actions.

Jayden is 8 months older than Curtis and has the street smarts of a kid much older. He has often been frustrated with Curt when he doesn't play like other kids and does "odd" things for entertainment. I spend a lot of time observing the relationship between the two in addition to acting as referee. Without knowing it, Jayden has given Curtis a consistent and often sobering education on how other kids play together. These two have sometimes exhausted me as a pair but Jayden's sense of adventure won Curtis over early on and Jayden is thoroughly entertained by Curt's sometimes bizarre antics. Lately, they are sharing favorite video game websites and showing each other new music on youtube. Each of those activities of course requiring extensive parental supervision or things get off track quickly.

Having just finished first grade Curtis has made tremendous strides in socialization. A lot of the credit goes to his one to one support person. She has taken the time in the past two years to foster communication with peers and stepping back when her interference is unwarranted. Believe me when I tell you it is important to find the right support person for your son.  Someone who is interested in knowing your child and doing the work to help him succeed. Curtis got to spend the last two years with the same class and developed real friendships with all types of kids. He has no concept of cliques and makes no judgments about anyone. He is attracted to the kids with big hearts and they are inevitably attracted to him.

Today when we are out an about and a kid approaches Curtis on the playground to play she often has no idea Curtis is autistic. He will suggest a game of tag or hopscotch and try to follow the rules if a kid brings up a game with which he is not familiar. He is still likely to look off to the side when he speaks and ignore hellos on occasion but we are a lot further along than we expected a year or two ago and he is making more social strides all the time. He is much more socially confident now and secure that he has some good friends who care about him

Greg, Dad

I went to the beach and played with some kids, it may not seem like a big deal...but it is!

Curtis and I spent at least 3 days a week at the beach last year (2010), and during that time he only wanted to play with one person:  Me.  I would constantly encourage him to play with other kids in the water, or play catch with a beach ball, or share his sandcastle toys when others approached, but he was so anxious and socially incapable, he would rather go home than be forced to play with a peer.  When a kid would accidentally knock over his sand castle or splash him with water, he took it very personally and needed a lot of encouragement and redirection to recover.  Although I love that he loves to play with me, it always concerned me that he had no interest at all in playing with other children in such a kid-packed setting.

We have referenced many times on this site how much Curtis grew socially in first grade.  Today, we went to the beach for the first time this summer, and he saw 2 of his schoolmates there.  He instantly ran up to them and said "hi" and when he began his sandcastle city, I prompted him once to invite the boys to join him and he went right for it!  Quite appropriately, he asked them if they'd like to join him.  One said no, the other said yes, and they began building castles and collecting shells to decorate them with.  They went for a swim and played ball together, and not once did I have to intervene in a social exchange.  For one hour of his life, Curtis independently performed social interactions that he was completely incapable of this time last year.  I got to sit back and watch him genuinely enjoying his time with his peers.  After they left he was so proud he could burst and he said, "I like playing with you Mom, but I sure like playing with my friends, too!"  And with that, he took my hand and led me to the water to go for a swim together.

Laura, Mom

Curtis finished first grade today and his parents are naturally very proud. It was a great school year. He read all the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" books in a matter of two or three weeks and began wearing a "I'm pretty much one of the coolest people I know" wimpy kid t-shirt to school. A real hit with the 4th and 5th graders. His handwriting, spelling, and other areas of academic life improved as we had hoped but it was his social growth that we appreciated the most. Curtis flourished socially this year, feeling more comfortable as his class was unchanged from the year before. This year, a small group of his friends would wait for him as I walked him to school and great him with hugs. Eventually those hugs turned to morning handshakes as Curtis hugs can be quite strong when he's excited to see someone and the "engine" starts running high.

In second grade, Curtis will have a new classroom though hopefully with more than a few familiar faces. His teacher will be different and it takes time for him to build a trust with a new authority figure. His three closest friends are joining a newly opened school a few blocks away and Curtis will surely miss them as they will him. Re-igniting or developing a new social circle is already on my mind but for now it's the start of summer. Time to have some fun new adventures with the coolest kid I know.

Greg, Dad

At 5 feet and around a hundred pounds Curt's mom is small in stature but big in heart and determination. When his primary care doctor rebuffed our concerns by telling us Curtis was a late bloomer, it was his mom who insisted we get to a specialist. She knew something wasn't quite right with our son and that waiting it out wasn't the answer.

Since the time we got the Autism diagnosis she has undertaken a series of fights to make sure our son receives the help and services he is legally entitled too. His mom immediately enrolled him in an early intervention school so he could get the occupational and speech therapies that have allowed him to make incredible progress. Most of all she's a mom who loves her son unconditionally and for that, he is an eternally lucky boy. Here is a poem Curtis' mom wrote when he was about 4 years old.

Greg, Curt's dad

Curtie's Poem

I went to the park yesterday
And played with some kids
It may not seem like a big deal
But it is.

Just one year ago
All the same kids were there
But that was something
Of which I wasn't aware

I didn't know how
To wave or say "hi"
And when I did see them
I'd just keep running by.

My mommy didn't know
How different it could be
But yesterday that changed
She was so proud of me!

She saw me run up
To a boy and say "hi"
And say "she's sad"
When I saw a girl cry.

I said "I want goldfish"
When I wanted to eat
And then I ran off
On my two tiny feet.

Last summer it seemed
No matter how hard I tried
I just couldn't figure out
How to get down the slide.

So I'd wander in circles
And gaze at the sky
While the joys of a playground
Kept passing me by.

Yesterday I climbed
Up each rung of the ladder
Then ran across a bridge
With a sweet pitter-patter.

And next I climbed steps
One, two, and three
Then I sat on that slide
And came down with a "weeee".

I saw a new friend
Running on the paths
So I said "hi" and joined him
And we shared a few laughs.

For other kids these things
May come easily
But its been quite a bit
Harder for me.

So these things may not matter
For those who don't know
What my life was like
Just one year ago.

I went to the park yesterday
And played with some kids
It may not seem like a big deal
But it is.

Laura, Mom