When Curtis first started in school he was oblivious to the need for friendships. Now 8, he has developed many friendships at school and is much more interested in seeing friends out of school.
Through trial and error we have learned a few things about autism and playdates. The high energy parts of the get together usually go smoothly. Jumping on a trampoline, utilizing a playground, or playing tag in the field are all activities that are comfortable for Curtis and his neurotypical play partner. The tough part was always when the action slowed down. How to help Curtis be his interesting, inquisitive, and funny self with his friend without the need for constant motion.

This past weekend, Curtis was feeling a little nervous about having a first playdate with a friend. He knew what playdates with his cousin and other friend were like from previous experience. Lots of fun, running, maybe some opportunistic mischief resulting from Curtis being easily coaxed into something he shouldn't be doing. This time however he was meeting up with his favorite math partner who doesn't have the same excitable energy of his usual playdates. Curtis was feeling some additional pressure this time around.
In anticipation of the playdate, Curtis was given a clear time parameter. The playdate would start at 9am and end at 11am. Rather than structure increments of time, Curt's mom Laura put an activity list on his desk that he could refer too:

Activities-Indoor
Legos
Trouble
Trash
Sorry
Uno
Hot Wheels
Whack a Mole
Bop It
Connect Four
Alphabet Game
Boat Building Set
Jenga
Operation
Paint/Draw

Have a Snack

Activities-Outdoor
Sidewalk Chalk
Playground
Razor Scooter Riding
Soccer

Curtis chose several activities from the indoor list before bouncing off the walls and letting us know he wanted to burn off some energy outside. We suggested he let his friend ride his scooter over and wear his helmet as a gesture he was willing to share and Curtis complied. It was clear this boy knew Curtis well. He complimented Curtis when he bragged of recent accomplishments like making his own PB&J and putting on his bike helmet by himself (without gagging on the strap). He also had no issue calling Curtis out when he made up a bogus safety during tag or attempted to gain an edge at other games. With a little direction, the boys hardly needed any guidance, except when Curtis stopped playing long enough to ask if a bee could fit inside his ear. We also occasionally reminded him to return questions like "what have you done this weekend" by asking his friend the same question in return.

As is typically the case with Curtis, a lot of preparation goes a long way.

Greg, Dad

I would imagine most parents of autistic children fear letting their child out of their sight. I know we do. In addition to the potential for Curtis to shut down when he is scared, we have seen how different people can react to his behavior and we feel better being there to head off anything unexpected. Some people take his behavior personally, as some people will do, and some people can get angry. But then you see something like this and realize just how crazy things could possibly get. It's a pretty disturbing video.
Curtis doesn't ride a bus to school and I know I would be worried about it if he did. It's the exact type of environment that he has trouble handling. It's loud and it's unpredictable and scary to an autistic child. The only thing that would get him through it is being helped by someone he trusts. And then you see a video of not only a bus driver but the child's ed tech beating on the kid with a fly swatter in addition to their arms and legs. Good lord. But hey, they did like a month or two in jail so....
I know, or hope, that this was an isolated incident that doesn't occur very often but it reminds me how lucky our family is. Not only is Curtis not beaten by those assigned to help him, but these people actually work to help get the best out of his abilities. They instruct him and help him just as his mom and dad do so that his development remains seamless when he is out of our sight. In their care he is safe to learn, have fun, grow, and develop and his parents don't have to worry about him regression, or worse yet, getting the crap kicked out of him. So here is to great aides. Or at the very least, aides who don't beat kids they are paid to protect, especially autistic kids who sometimes have little control over their actions.

Greg, Dad

This blog from psychologytoday.com explains some non-typical, or as we call them with Curtis, "unexpected" behaviors, from people on the spectrum. Sensory overloads caused by crowd noise, bright lights, sudden loud sounds, sensitivity to touch, etc. result in behaviors that can be tough to witness and difficult to correct. Time and patience go a long way and it's a learning process for the child and parent. Here are some of the behaviors mentioned that immediately reminded me of Curt.

1.) Supermarket floor tantrums: These were pretty embarrassing to be sure but it was cool to read this as an item on a list. I hadn't made the connection that this behavior was common with autistic children, I thought maybe it was a Curtis specialty. These happened frequently enough when he was younger where Laura and I would try not to bring him into a grocery store if we could help it. I think at the time I assumed it was something he just had to get used too. In hindsight, the fluorescent lights and noise may have just been too much to handle when he was very young. His main goal in any grocery store once he could walk was to free himself so he could sprint down the aisles. When he wasn't allowed too a tantrum was likely not far behind. If he did break free, you never saw a happier kid in your life as he ran down the aisle.

2.) Haircuts- When Curt was younger it was just easier to let his hair grow long. He was very sensitive to getting it cut and a pair of clippers was out of the question. Actually, clippers are still out of the question. I think we've only done that once.  Having his hair pulled and cut at the same time there is a buzzing sound in his ear proves too much to handle and we respect that. We have turned a trip to Snip-Its into an event and though sometimes apprehensive, he's willing to do it.

3.) Classroom Focus- The blog mentions the difficulty for some children on the spectrum to copy down homework and simultaneously listen to a teacher's instructions. This is just one of many reasons Curtis is helped by having an ed tech in the classroom. He has not yet developed that ability to handle two tasks like this at once. On his own, An entire school day would be lost for him in the first 10 minutes as he missed one crucial instruction while paying attention to another. Being able to pay attention to two things at once is something we constantly work on with Curtis and is a huge goal in mainstreaming him in school.

What I found most interesting about that blog was the comments. One in particular from a teenager with autism and others discussing the topic. As "neurotypicals", our focus can be to try and change the way kids on the spectrum are doing things and try to get them to execute a script. The comments express that it's not always this easy. Even for a person on the spectrum who has been taught a script, the over stimulation of a situation can force all that out the window. Any one of us can relate to not doing what we're supposed to do even if we know what we're supposed to do because of a situation we're presented with. As a parent or teacher, all we can do is be patient and try to help them with what they are going through because we don't know what that type of over stimulation feels like. Their experience is very different than ours, always has been, and always will be. In many ways, it's unrealistic to expect someone whose brain is wired differently to conform to our ways of thinking. All we can really do is help them.

Greg, Dad