Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

These five stages of loss and grief are typically experienced by someone who loses a loved one when they pass. But for Curtis, who thus far has handled deaths of family members much more matter-of-fact than typical kids his age, it was a different kind of loss that brought about these stages of grief.

Up until a couple months ago, Caron was the only ed-tech Curt had ever had at school. She was there nearly every day for kindergarten, 1st grade, and 2nd grade. The person he could depend on to help him get from point A to point B, to explain the teacher's directions when all the other kids seemed to understand, the person who would lead him out of the cafeteria when it was too loud, the person who fostered relationships with other students when he couldn't figure out how to do it on his own. She was the person who stopped him from bolting out of the school when he was five and had him walking with his class and making friends over the next few years. To him, she was a huge part of surviving the school day when confusion loomed around every corner.

Denial: When Curtis learned in early November that it was time for Caron to move on professionally and that she would no longer be his ed tech he refused to believe it. He wasn't defiant, he wasn't particularly upset, he just believed that when push came to shove, Caron would still be there when he showed up that Monday after Thanksgiving break. Not only could he not imagine her not being there, he wasn't even willing to accept it as a possibility. He needed to see it to believe it and his defense mechanisms were on full alert. He denied the possibility that he would be going to school without Caron right up until that Monday following the break. He met his new ed tech with a quiet hello and an expression of concern as to what school would be like without his trusted confidant.

Anger: It didn't take much time after school resumed for denial to give way to anger. He hated Caron, he hated his parents and family, he hated his friends...there was enough anger for everyone in his life at this point. This wasn't expressed at school, where he is more likely to clam up than lash out, but it was prevalent at home and quite hard to deal with. What he was expressing as anger was clearly hurt that things weren't the same anymore and he missed the teacher and friend that had always been there for him. We had prepped him for a long time that someday he would have a new ed tech. and hopefully one day, not require one at all. But like most kids he lives in the moment...and getting by without Caron wasn't something he anticipated dealing with until he had to. But she was gone and he was pissed...and most likely very scared.

Bargaining: This is the only stage of grief not applicable to this situation. He never really believed Caron was leaving until she was no longer in the school and to my knowledge, never attempted to bargain for her to stay. He had questions and all kinds of concerns but attempted no bargains. Once she was gone, he knew she wouldn't be back. At least not in this capacity.

Depression: Curtis has a new ed tech, Miss Mallory, and she's been terrific. But in the days and weeks that followed Caron's absence he clearly mourned their relationship and exhibited aspects of depression. He said things like "I don't like my life anymore. I want to start over." He was more quiet than usual, would sometimes break down and cry, appeared slightly withdrawn, showed a loss of confidence and even mentioned a desire to hurt himself.

We knew he was getting used to a new situation and that this "depression" would likely be short-lived but as a parent, it's a difficult thing to experience. You only hope it's short-lived and that some of the things you are saying and doing are helping.

Acceptance: As we begin 2013, Curtis is working his way towards acceptance. Part of the reason Caron felt comfortable moving on when she did was because Curtis has some great friends in his class and they have been instrumental in getting him back to his old self and able to feel comfortable at school even without his trusted guide. Part of his frustration was centered around the fact that Caron knew him so well. She knew when the lunchroom or music class was too loud or when he needed a break or that he needed help tying his shoes and now he had to start from scratch with someone much less familiar with what makes him tick. But he has slowly been accepting the fact that in life, things change, and they don't always stay the way you want them too. It's a tough lesson but one that we all learn and his parents could hardly be more proud of him for braving through what's been the hardest life change for him to date.

Now in 3rd grade, Curtis will soon be expected to move on from the only ed tech he has ever known to help guide him though the school day.

Curtis and I started our closure processes last Friday. His growth this year and his ability to tap into every tool that we (as a support team) have instilled in him over the past few years has been very evident. I have said since day one that my goal with Curtis was to, eventually, work myself out of a job. Over the past 3 and a half years I have acted as a mirror for him, so that in an environment where he doesn’t exactly feel comfortable or know “what to do” he can look at me, model, learn and eventually live the behavior that is desirable.

We are at the point in our working relationship where continued growth will happen by being set “free” and exploring every tool he has learned to confront his fears.   I told him last Friday in the afternoon.  We packed up his school bag and said goodbye to his class an hour early. I told him that we were going to go for an old school walk – on the train tracks behind the school like we use to when he was younger and needed more running time and space from the chaos of a school environment..

I did inform one of his best friends in the room of this news earlier in the day so that when we did leave the classroom, he could give Curtis a big hug to (unbeknown to Curtis) make him feel good – to feel connected before the big news dropped. The look in his friends eyes as he was saying goodbye to Curtis for the weekend (knowing the news that I was about to share) spoke of the love and loyalty he has for Curtis. His friends, more then anyone, have made me feel the best about my decision to move on. They are ready to pick up right where up where I will leave off.

We made a stop by my car to grab the half dozen eggs that I brought, thinking he might want to chuck a few at a tree after he hears the news that Ms Barber was going on to another job. We stopped at a bench once we got to the trail and I told him that I had something important to tell him. I started by sharing some “remember when you when you first got to Presumpscot” stories to paint the picture of what he looked and acted like when I first meet him at school - timid, mute, anxious, confused, isolated and unpredictable. I then began to share a reminder of what my job was and is now – and how even that looks different because of how much growth he has undergone.

I told him that it was job to make him feel safe, secure, and comfortable at school so that he can learn.

And learning he has done – he has advance skills in math, reading, and writing.

I also mentioned how my job was to help him make friends and find the good (or the humor) in all those around us; he also has surpassed what his support thought was possible in this area. He has a very diverse school filled with friends of all ages and backgrounds that give him high fives daily, and some special ones that get the hugs. I finally told him that it is now my job to let him go when he was ready – and he may not be able to see it, but I can and it makes those around him very proud and happy and excited about the future.   

His first reaction was backing away from me and saying over and over again, “You’re joking Ms Barber – right? Say you’re joking. Don’t kid with me. Are you lying? ” He then wanted to know if  I didn’t like him anymore and wondering why I was quitting on him and quitting on my job. And his final verbal reaction was telling me that I wont like my job and I will be back working with him by April.

His nonverbal reaction was shredding leaves on the ground and tearing his snack bag with fury in his rambling and in his body language. Before we started to process all these thoughts on our walk, I wanted him to start throwing eggs. I did the first one to model – I threw an egg at a tree while also letting out my verbal feeling, “I am so nervous about this change!”  He then stepped up to the tree, nailing it smack in the middle with an egg saying, “I’m so angry at you Ms Barber!”

It will be the most important job I face over the next three weeks to work through every feeling he has around this transition and to help him into a more clear space. I gave the school a month notice so that I had plenty of time to honor all of these first reactions and leave him in a place where his skin is a bit thicker, he feels brave as an individual and is ready for the new support to come in - or at least ready to fake it.  He will continue to have full support in the classroom.  But it is my belief that, b/c Curtis is an out of sight, out of mind sorta guy, he will step up to the plate when I'm gone.

I have a feeling that he will come into himself as a individual more through this change and lean more from his friends. This ultimately has been my job all along -  to show him the joy of true connection and through this transition he will find his true connection to himself and to his peers.

Caron, 1:1 School Support